During the darkest days of my life, every memory is pieced by the presence of light. Even after five years, the most vivid moments during our three days in the hospital with Anders are always highlighted by some sort of light.
My classroom lights were off when Rachel called me on the morning of the 10th, but I distinctly remember the beaming sunshine coming in through my east-facing windows.
Even through the tunnel vision of looking for Rachel on the way into the emergency room, the bright hospital lights pierce the periphery of my memories.
Asking a nurse if Anders was on “Life Support” is accented by the single hospital light shining above the nurse’s head.
The lights of the monitors and the machines stood out against the blackness of the late-night hospital room when the doctor shared bad news about our son.
The full lights of the hospital room ripped through the darkness that threatened to overtake my mind as we held Anders’s hand when he breathed his last.
Our minds can do funny things with memories, but even after these 1826 days, the memories of the darkest times feature the presence of light. The only reason the light sticks out against the darkness is it represents more than the sun, some monitors, and bulbs - the light that stays in my memories during the worst days of my life is still there because of the hope of Jesus.
Without Jesus, there is no hope; without hope, there is no light.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” - John 1:5
My new calling as a missionary for the Gospel with FCA directly ties back to losing Anders five years ago. The personal and spiritual growth over this time has led me into ministry focused on sharing the Light with others. And on what for me is a day that leads me back to the darkest day of my life, FCA posts this morning a verse about light.
With how much God has provided in my life, for how much God has shown up in my life, I shouldn’t be surprised. He proves himself over and over again. BUT, at the same time, I am surprised - and it always leads my hands to be lifted up in praise and my eyes to shoot upward in wonder.
When we tell our story, people often ask how we handle or deal with what we’ve been through - and our answer is always the same. JESUS. That’s it, full stop. And it’s because Jesus is LIGHT, and light pierces the darkness. Every. Single. Time.
Whether it is a match, a flashlight, a campfire, a streetlight, or the sun, light always wins over darkness.
And Jesus, the God I serve and my Savior, is the light that pierces all darkness.
1/12/19 was the last day we held our first son.
1/12/19 was the last day we told him “I love you.”
1/12/19 was the last day we prayed that God would heal his body.
1/12/19 was the last day we shared with him about how much he is loved by Jesus.
At the same time:
1/12/19 was the first day Anders felt the love of his savior in a completely new way.
1/12/19 was the first day he was separated from the brokenness of this world.
1/12/19 was the first day we would live with one of our children already in the target.
1/12/19 was the first day we would more clearly understand Psalm 23.
It’s been five long years, but it’s also been five short years all the same.
The question that we needed to answer, and the question that each of us needs to answer with our own lives is, “How can you show the light of Christ to others?”
I miss you Anders, but I know that someday we will be reunited. I wish that day could be today, but until that day comes, your story will continue to point people to the Light!
Previous Posts from January 10-12
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